The things that come out of my body both amaze and disturb me.
She never called back. Financed a fleshlight.
The only birthday messages I got from men were from my 8th grade boyfriend and the bouncer at our bar. I think I'm doing something wrong in life.
Made a joint out of my Yale rejection letter. Life is grand.
i think that after ALREADY drinking that much, the tube shots may have been a bad idea.. i mean afterall, i did wake up and find my cell phone IN the bonfire the next morning.
IDK but this explains my bloody dashboard.
And I can taste the vodka through my ears. Good god.
He's a cat fanatic .. That was not in the fine print when we started fucking
Well it's 2pm. Time for another game of "Who, What, Where". The game where you try to guess who this girl is, what happened last night, and where'd your shit go. I'm going for 1/3 today.
That's better than I've done so far.
Whenever I see women with terribly drawn on brows, I just wanna tackle them and redo them and run away. I'll be Brow-lady. The beauty superhero
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
Omg have I shown you my skeezy ex fiancée?
The other one.
The moment buddy the elf found out he was human is exactly like the moment I realized I was gay
HahahahahaHAHAHAHAHAHAHA MY LIFE IS A CAUTIONARY TALE
if I hear Wonderful Christmastime one more time I'm putting my foot up Paul McCartney's ass.
Randomize
