Yup u can hook up with me now and not goto jail
Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
Sometimes I think its so cool that a dick that has been inside kate moss has also been inside me. So exciting.
Fun fact: Antibacterial soap will not take the combined smell of bbq sauce and vagina off your hands.
My third nipple is alarmingly under-appreciated.
I slept in bed with them the night they met. I once peed on the bride. And now I get to give a speech at their wedding. Piece of cake.
I feel like the way you told me you weren't pregnant was pretty anticlimactic.
Bring one of those heart stabber things in case you go into shock. I'll jab you.
So apparently they remodeled our middle school. Looks like we'll need to find a new roof to play beer pong on this summer.
He skipped an important family function with his dying father to fuck me. Terrible human, amazing fuck buddy.
It will be too late. I will have fornicated with the enemy by then.
GO RIDE HIS EYEBROWS INTO THE SUNSET
My hangover headache is somewhere in the Harry Potter scar neighborhood. I can now empathize with that poor bastard.
will you help me invent vagina-safe pop rocks?
Replacing my paralegal is easy. Replacing my favorite office fuck toy is a totally different story. Damn him for wanting to better himself instead of being my manwhore
Randomize
