Fyi: he's overweight and balding. My biological clock is ticking so loud I can't hear the TV.
are you so shy because you have an std?
Hi, I just found this phone under my seat at a brewers game and seeing as you're entered in as 'fillllatio' I figured I'd ask you if you know the illiterate ass who owns this phone. Thanks :)
They don't exactly give out small business loans to start-up dealers
She was surprised when she saw all our living room furniture was made from old kegs. It's like she's never met us before...
this is random but who was banging in the shower in our condo?
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
I literally just biked home like I was on the last leg about to win the tour du France. Fuck diarrhea
ugh... fuck pirate breakfast. my head is like thirsty.
Where are you on a scale from one to wasted?
Like alphabetically I'd say a v
I just sneezed and margarita mix and ash came out of my nose. I love jersey
If you find my integrity anywhere, please tell it to come back home
I just masturbated at work... Don't know why but I thought you should know
GOD DAMN IT I COULD HAVE HAD A MOTHERFUCKING 3 WAY LAST NIGHT. WHY BOOZE, WHY?!
I'm like a bad decision making factory. I need to sit down and have a chat with my decision making elves.
Randomize
