He was drunk at Denny's at 5 am saying how Dear John was the worst movie he has ever seen... eyes filled with tears.
aaaannd alcoholism beats pride. it's like grown-up rock, paper, scissors
My aunt totally just drunk dialed me when i was super stoned, it was so intense
this blows. i told the guy at the bar that i was the DD and it was like i just announced over megaphone that i had genital herpes. no one will talk to me now.
How many times can I tell him I wasnt expecting sex before he realizes I'm just too lazy to shave all the time?
That white girl was surprised to see orange pubes around my black cock. Happy Halloween!
Poorly worded request for dick pic resulted in stoned beanie selfies and "lol". Miscommunication is the devil's cock block.
i fell into a bathtub last night and broke the fall with my forehead. my forehead is bruised
I'm at the point in my life where I'm gonna sell my eggs for cash
Um went out in San Francisco last night and ignored someone hitting on me. So they bit my arm. Lmfao PLEASE TELL ME THIS ISNT THE SINGLE LIFE
In other news, I just sneezed and almost shit myself. What is happening to my life??
i'm not so sure everythign we did last night was legal...
Literally just took 6 shots in the shower..I’ve got this.
I bet you my entire life savings of $0 that there's a Doctor Who porn parody and that it features the sonic screwdriver being inserted into some cavities
I promise I won't bug you anymore, I just need the following things at your convenience but preferably soon: my earrings, cup, and panties. Thanks. Good talk.
Randomize
