So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
im poppin the ladies like they're bacne
Sitting here wishing there were men in my life.
me too. too bad ive decided to fill that hole with cookie dough, closing the door to future men one fat cell at a time.
Just so we're on the same page, we cannot have been the first people to have ever thought about shooting that guy with crossbow
All I wanted was a "this is what America feels like" blowjob before I left. Is that too much to ask for?
It's only 10 in the morning...josh is already on the way to the ER for trying to shotgun a beer with a sparklers sticking out of it on fire.
Decided to go explore a half built apartment complex at 4 a.m and leave a 3 block obstacle course in the alley ways on the way home.
He's blaming gravity for his problems right now, so put that in perspective
I had such a pleasant walk of shame. The sun was shining, I smiled at all the high school suckers who judged me on their way to school, and I made friends with an old guy and his dog.
Yeah play it cool maybe put in a kissy face though let him know you're giving an invitation for his dick
Just gave candy to a strange child. Not my best move.
Have you ever come so hard that right after you have the urge to yell "make me a sandwich!"? ...I think my ovaries turned into testicles.
just bought myself a "your about to get violated in every way so you deserve this chipotle" steak bowl.
So I'm just casually at the grocery store when I remember that there's still a clove of garlic in my vagina
Your life is quite full of dick lately.
It really is!
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