she offered me iced tea and went to go change.then her dad came in the door.i thought i was on how to catch a predator.
I told them you could toss a salad like wolfgang puck
I'm trying real hard to keep it on the DL how drunk I am at lunch with my grandma.
two more shots til everyone in this club gets to see my cesarean scars.
i told her that i loved her pillow breasts and then she asked me if i wanted to motor boat them. so yea, i do need the room tonite.
I'm currently trying to figure out how I woke up naked and handcuffed to my bed. Not real worried about class right now.
Y'know, "Class cancelled because Professor is stuck in Mexico," is not something I expected in college. Let alone, "Professor is stuck in Mexico, AGAIN."
she kept asking for a lobster dinner while she was crying. it was actually the most reasonable drunk chick request i've ever heard.
She called my landing strip a "vagina mohawk"....
Lesbians are weird.
i know you're at the dentist, but this dick pic was too phenominal to wait and i deserve immediate tit compensation
Wow my largely unnecessary pool of lizard-related knowledge finally came in handy. Are you proud?
I don't know what to say
It was at the same house, but a different party, when lesbians set me on fire. So there's that.
Yeah if I don't text back. I'm eating. sleeping. Or lifting. Or drinking. Or playing call of duty. Like shit man
Hey guys so who is Justin McGoo and why did I text him "fuck yooooouuu juuuustiiin mcgooo" at 12:06am on Thursday night?
Congrats you've received dick pics from an Olympic silver medalist
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