I'm sad I can't be there is wknd, I'm laying on the beach and daydreaming of you / crying a bit
I'm watching a porn and daydreaming of you. Sounds like we both need Kleenex
I sent him a picture of my touching myself. He responded back "Your nails look really nice"
Scott woke me up by cracking a beer open in my face. Best friends are awesome.
I know I am usually the slut but tonight it's her. She is being a slut, yes slut, T as in Tomorrow, U as in Uterus, L as in Llama and S as in Sangria. That spells slut, but backwards and that's what she is being.
Puked up what appears to be battery acid next to the treadmill. Everyone noticed.
He just showed up to brunch with one shoe and only the battery from his phone.
I don't know what that means. But if you take off your pants, you'll probably get arrested.
That bar is one yeast infection away from total annihilation.
You motherfucker. I just had an MRI with a penny under my boob.
Let's go one conversation without mentioning cats or alcohol someday.
I have a strong contender for the new number 1 position for fwb. He met me at the door with pizza and a shot of patron
I just saw someone dressed as a bear leave your house on a motorcycle. I guess you guys are having a good time.
It was a recodring of you having sex ! It was like an ape and a dying mongoose at a buffet Xoxoxo
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
Pray for me. I just had a sex dream about Debbie Wasserman-Schultz.
Randomize
