mmm... i enjoy making beautiful women smile
hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
My entire childhood was an ugly sweater party
Just wrote a paper about alcohol abuse that sounded like my weekend...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
She swallowed my jizz and then took a shot of jack daniels and said "chaser." This cant be real life.
Like reprimanding the wall for "sneaking up on me" drunk
you read me verses from the beginners bible until my answering machine finally ran out of time and cut you off.
We played strip Bananagrams and I won. Thank fuck I read a lot as a child.
I hate when people see you passed out in your front yard and call 911. Like what, you can't take a nap face down on your steps at 4pm?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Found your glasses drenched in ketchup on my driveway this morning
I woke up to see that I had ripped my boxers into a loin cloth because we were watching last of the mohicans
I believe in using alcohol to heal from the inside. Not as a topical solution.
Well you were listening to music and having sex really loudly. How was I supposed to know you'd hear me making rocket sounds?
It's has to do with my genitals. Don't ask.
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
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