i just caught my roommate coming out of the bathroom half naked with a surge protector. he told me he didn't wanna talk about it.
i spent 15 mins trying to take money out of ATM with my drivers license saying, "what the fuckkkk" everytime it didnt work
So it turns out there are pros and cons to having a broken wrist. Pro: I can give amazing blowjobs with my left hand. Con: I just had to open a packet of crisps with scissors.
if i die of alcohol poisoning tonight, just know i kinda expected it and totally deserved it
Also pencil in smooth jazz and illegal activities. The usual.
No, pictures of your dick will not make me feel better about my grandmother having a brain tumor.
I have to take his virginity. It's what God put me on earth for. It's my life mission.
When I say I took advantage of you when you were drunk, I mean that I convinced you to let me paint cute little panda bears on all of your toenails.
my life is about to be the like the hunger games except with penises. and im going to win.
I'm using my ex bfs phone number to look up his Kroger card so I can get a discount on condoms...yep this is my life
You puked on yourself, then demanded to take shower. In which you kept saying "its raining"
I'm about to turn myself in when I'm less hungover.
Adulthood is weird i just cleared a check larger than my gross income from 2011 but i also just did coke during my lunch break
Something I can get at drive through, boobs out, don't want to get out of the car
His sister gave me the "if you hurt him I will break your neck" talk. I didn't know how to tell her we're not a couple.
Randomize
