I am engaged
To a real live girl that has met me
She carries a brick in her purse. I wouldn't get in a fight with her
My goal for tonight is to swipe my debit card through those weird rolls on the back of a big bald guy's head.
Today I'm judging my level of singleness on a scale of one to eat-a-can-of-frosting. It's not looking good for me.
Ooooh. Get funfetti
I thought I was smashed last night but the girl trying to pee in the fridge had me beat. True story.
Just found out my rents have been paying my siblings to cockblock me for the past 5 years
Not as covert as you thought huh?
Was the first guy that bit your neck last night wearing a trenchcoat...I have a vague memory.
I tried snowmobiling at 2 am. I broke my glasses. You're right. Things do get out of control.
For future reference.... When you take a beer out of a 6pack... You don't insert your phone as a substitute.
Hahaha idk what's worse your life or my hangover.
I woke up with a meat pie in my hand and my mouth tasting like an ashtray. I'm a catch, really!
after attempting to eat a candy cane bigger than my hand i have determined there's no way to eat this that doesn't seem erotic
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
Last night I realized my life is an experiment of really bad decisions when I had to leave without my underwear. But at least I'm expanding my life experience.
I love Texas men! TSA agent found my vibrator, nodded approvingly, and said, “You have a nice night, ma’am” with a cowboy accent. I almost made out with him on the spot
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