All I remember is drinking vodka out of tupperware.
Either she got face surgery at midnight, or i need to stop drinking...
Just got Netflix. Dexter Marathon. Still in my PJ's. Only eaten cookie dough and drinking a 40. I have never reeked so strongly of lonely .
she was in the bathroom washing her eye makeup off with hand sanitizer.
This better be legit desert and not your penis alamode
You showed up at my apartment after 3 am wasted with a plate of cookies and tried to hook up.
Sorry about that. Except for the cookies.
If we worried less about pouring champagne down stripper crack, we probably wouldn't skip so many meals.
The guy at the Apple store said the warranty does NOT cover getting cum out of the keyboard. I can't believe I believed you.
New fuck buddy and long time fuck buddy are carpooling home for thanksgiving. #10hrconvoaboutmyblowjobskills
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
Dude of course I want to. Your penis is beautiful.
It's like she fell out of an MTV reality show and no one knows how to send her back
I'm so hung over that I just tried to send you a screen shot of the cracked screen on my phone.
Got home & pissed on my moms carpet like a bear in the woods. I woke up to a picture message with me passed out on the floor with my pants down & hands covering my face. I've had an awkward week
The awkward moment when you're leaving the most attractive guy you've ever been with and you're trying not to shit on yourself. Fucking welcome to my life
Randomize
