We have sex, then he cooks. It's like a fantasy.
now you know why we've never bought a 12 pack of king cobras before.
Having skype sex with him in the lounge at 1:45am...THIS IS WHAT HE DOES TO ME
I vaguely remember taking a shit behind the shed before I started puking over the fence. No more Xanax.
I'm sorry. I know you didn't expect me to be arm deep in vagina when you walked through the door.
Just found a ramen cup in the stall and all of the showers running with no one in them. WHERE ARE YOU?
I will come to your office dressed as a bloody mary, hug you then leave is that a good plan?
yes. bring a barf bucket too. just. in. case.
You fell out of your barstool, I tried to help you but you said if I got any closer I'd be drinking my meals through a straw, So there you sat.
Just smoked out of an apple with Steve Jobs. I love Halloween.
Did not foresee holding down food at work today to be a struggle today
We smoked weed. AS A FAMILY. IT WAS BEAUTIFUL.
I woke up at 3:30 this morning to pee. Luckily, I didn't have to travel far as I was asleep in my CLOSET on my yoga mat. Good news is I had a pillow...
I have to make calls today at work. So I'm gonna call your phone and leave some random messages. Just delete them.
Is it disrespectful or patriotic to pole dance on an american flag pole?
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
Randomize
