good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
dude, mark had the least successful cab ride in history last night. took a cab to the bars, stopped at every atm in the city, none worked, then had to come back to the party to beg for 20 to pay the taxi that officially took him nowhere.
Why did I wake up with "How to masturbate" on my youtube search bar?
You told us you forgot how, and started to cry.
I had total buyers remorse when i finally got him naked. All that effort for a dude that hairy? Come on.
yo dibs on the gosselin haired one.
it felt like the flash was giving me a handjob
giving him head while hes talking to his fiancee on the phone about inviting me to their wedding.... im invited. should i go or would that be wrong?
Two girls are doing the worm relatively well on the bar floor after the fact I just saw one puke in the trash
VODKA 4LOKO BEER NOT IN THE CLEAR
We 6 way cheers-ed with French fries last night, hammered, in the booth.
Im coming down to miami this weekend
We shall drink from the everclear river
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
I got to her place and she was petting her cat and pounding vodka out of the bottle. She looked like Dr evil in yoga pants. She's nuttier than squirrell shit.
I climbed up on the tank of the toilet so I could take a slo-mo vid of myself pissing into the garbage can, but the base of the toilet shattered and I had to bail.
it's a shower with the lights off kind of day
Randomize
