there's a girl in the library on mysapce. she must have missed the memo.
She was asian and in a relationship... my two weaknesses
I will never try to masturbate with americas funniest home videos playing in the background ever again
Apparently "he pulled out..mostly" is not a valid reason for thinking there's no way i can be pregnant to the nurses at the student health center.
i shall enjoy my approximately 2 hours of being sober today
He got 20 stiches.. Who knew so much damage could come from a single shopping cart.
4pm update. Theres smashed cake inside my duffel bag, a vodka bottle in the dish drainer, and the most productive thing ive done is make 40 pigs in a blanket
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
God this is like a meg Ryan movie without the restaurant orgasms
I just had a dream that I was fighting Donald Trump... Gotta stop watching the news before bed
and please, if you feel the urge to call me crying tomorrow night, do so. i will be home bored and sober.
11:30pm - Shots together. 12:15pm Shots together. 12:45pm Shots together. 9:30am Plan B's together.
I covered the puke with a shingle there's not many chunks. I think it will blend quickly.
Randomize
