so i had a choice between studying for my physics test on fluid dynamics or spend the night with my girlfriend. hello doubletasking.
he suggested i make a website called "cum on molly's face", to "start off my acting career"
Apparently she came home completely covered in mud, pretending to be a bird...and she still had more sex than any of us this weekend.
I was topless in his bathroom sink taking bong rips , goodmorning . He told me he could get use to this
He told me since I'm into organics I should know his meat is known locally for its quality and hes hand raised it since age 13.
isn't that the guy who always buys you drinks?
yeah. i love a man who still buys me drinks after the bar cuts me off.
next time on intervention
It hits you later. Like when you wake up on the floor under a puzzle later.
Spending 4 hours in the emergency room today tells me that your birthday party was a success.
cops woke me up on the sidewalk and asked where my shoes are.. fuck if i know, im sleeping on the sidewalk! actually i didnt say that, i just cried until they gave me a ride home.
No more twerking this week. I think I dislocated a boob.
5 minutes Isn't even long enough to bring me even close to an orgasm. How selfish. Think about baseball and fuck me you idiot.
IM HUNGOVER AT MOTHERS DAY BRUNCH AND A NUN FROM CHURCH JOINED US
He could only go see Deadpool without his girl if he was black-out drunk... because spoilers. They're the perfect couple.
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
Pretty sure I got at least one girl to question her sexuality at the Christmas party last night
Randomize
