Very drunk. laura says hi. i can't find my pants. i think i'm in philly, but it might be jersey somewhere
i feel rough
just turned on the light, there is blood EVERYWHERE.
I was just walking through Burbank and saw a hobo using solar panels on his shopping cart. We must be in trouble if the hobos are researching alternative sources of fuel...
white trash bash was a total success...cops shut it down twice and her hair stayed in rollers all night..she never broke character
I took a picture of his ID so i could remember how to spell his last name and facebook stalk him later...I think he saw me do it
He's very warm and cuddly, that's my favorite thing about him. Besides his Porche. And his hot brother.
some chick tossed a drink in your face at the bar last night. your mouth was opened so i think you ended up swallowing at least half of it. good job.
You should really trust me on this one. "hit it and quit it" might not be the best career move on your part...
My way of showing team usa support, bronze: handy silver: bj gold: home run. God, I'm patriotic
I think I just wrote a poem about your penis but it was totally unintentional.
Look. If you're going to be my girlfriend you need to be down with me licking BBQ off your face infront of kids.
She just broke into my apartment while I was asleep, woke me up and drunkenly tried to seduce me for about 2 minutes, then passed out..
Well I mean he still had sex with me after I told him that I play fetch with the kids I take care of, so I'm not really looking too far ahead with him...
it's a shower with the lights off kind of day
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
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