You can call me Bill Clinton. I brought 2 good looking Asians home last night.
im covered in puffy paint and glitter i cant find kevin and im wearing shoes that dont belong to me....come get me please
just bought 2000 rhinestones and a heart shaped stencil at Micheals...I think the cashier knows i'm Vajazzling
Im in a bar and I just invented a scrabble drinking game. People are cheering. It's like the universe has aligned itself.
i feel this will be the best possible way to start a friendship. By breaking into his house.
What a great world we live in when USPS can tell you that your drugs have been delivered.
He told me to fuck off at some point in the night. I think it was right before he jumped out of a moving car trying to get to another bar and made Abby cry.
hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking if you had a pulse
I'm going for high school drunk, you've got 15 minutes to get here.
I don't know who's more excited for you to come home. Me or my vagina
I am laying in your bed and just found a bottle of wine under your pillow ...should have married you...
He interrupted me giving him head to ask if I were hungry, because he wanted to eat pizza. Wtf.
You peed all over his floor and had a bottle popped in your ass when you passed out. Don't tell me I'm "still living in my college days"
I was grinding on my boss last night. So Monday will be fun. That's what's going on in my life right now.
I know she’s pissed I fucked her husband, but I didn’t know he was married until after I blew him at Legoland
Randomize
