He just told me his cousin just died and I look like her. Reconsidering the sex.
apparently went to arby's at 2:30am banging on the windows for someone to make me a "beefy"
My life is like the prequel to "40 Year Old Virgin"
Um....sorry for hooking up with your brother last night...
Actually i take that back. You dropped the whiskey last night and broke the bottle. Were even
Are you asking me on a date where we get shithoused and do some fingerpainting?
Well the police had to intervene and I couldn't exactly feel my legs by the end of the night, but I'd say it was a successful Friday night.
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
They sent me to the hospital. Apparently, of the many things I said, I looked at the doctor and told him, "Wow... it's like you're a REAL DOCTOR!"
Do I like my job? I just bought 1/2 oz of pot from my supervisor at work. At a discount. And he said, "pay me whenever."
K, im gonna wait to get my dick pierced so we can do it as a family function.
So on a scale from 1-10 how gross is it that I used mortuary makeup on my own face?
I was angry that a college kid had a new Audi
so I peed on it
Update: that felon in Georgia I slept with is now a police officer. What a wonderful world
"This is Emily. She likes potatoes. And sometimes laughs and cries at the same time, and has a wonderful butt"
I’m really upset they canceled the conference. Since the divorce I’ve been working out, I bought cute new outfits and even found a bikini I liked. Now it’s all online. You can’t get laid at a webinar
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