he asked me what things i liked that he did in bed, and i told him all the things i hated so he would use it on that new bitch and she wouldnt hook up with him anymore.
you for real need to get over him dude
You sent me a text calling me "cunt" while i was in the middle of dumping my bf.
So we're fucking tonight?
we just did breakfast shots, I have a black eye and savage garden is on . Best weekend ever
Just called the bar: "hi this is the girl who you kicked out for excessive bleeding, do you happen to have my coat?"
I found her in the bathroom licking her screwdriver off the floor. she said there was no way she was wasting a $6 drink.
I'd rate him "doable" on a scale from "ew, run" to "you should've already fucked him".
That's about an "8" on normal scales.
My ex just sent me a message asking if she could blow me, but only if we get caught by her new bf. If she promises to swallow I'm doing it.
i'll fuck you during the next apocalypse. promise
I paid off a credit card today. And I was tested negative for HIV. AND I did laundry. Honestly, I'm most excited about the laundry.
How did you not realize the handbrakes were stuck?
I thought I was just out of shape.
I didn't even know this guy existed until he'd had his hands down my pants, so I just went with it.
I've had more lap dances than hrs of sleep since Thursday, this is why you're planning all three of my bachelor parties
He just texted me asking for his shirt back and I said I didn't have it and then I ran into him 5 minutes later while wearing the said shirt
2016 shall be rememered as the year I sharted while putting up the Christmas tree.
How’s big weiner McGee?
I’m going to ask you one last time to call him Matt and he’s fine thank you very much
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