just got pizza delivered to the hot tub. its easier than i thought to be this lazy
My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
I can't, I'm busy. I've been walking around Tokyo on google maps for an hour.
The plus side of allergy season is that after our weekend coke binge my runny nose fits right in.
I cannot even. Taco bell reception. Beers. New friends from Georgia.
When's a good time to tell your boyfriend you've slept with his ex girlfriend?
He broke into my house just to tell me the door was locked.
she opened a can of olives, drained the juice and poured ranch dressing in. oh and 'croutons' (saltines) on top...
She definitely peed in a bucket in their closet last night. We should warn them about that, right?
I came over to get dick...not to watch you vacuum....at 2 AM
I'm no doctor but I don't think balls are supposed to look like that.
Is it sad to eat a candy bra by yourself?
You still owe me one bodily function mess clean up.
You pee on the floor one time and you never hear the end of it...
You are currently doing Harry Potter spells with the turkey-baster...
She’s the kind of asshole whose face I want to put on a T-shirt just so I can go outside and burn it.
Randomize
