im so horny i just used my electric toothbrush to masturbate. god help me
So I'm eating my burger minding my own business, when the guy next to me starts up a conversation. Seemed normal at first, stocks, bonds, etc...then he said...and I quote "I can push a bowling-ball up a flight of stairs with my tongue." As I awkwardly laughed he broke out "I bet you I could bite the head off of a rabbit."
so i decided to listen to you and went ahead and slept with him. you owe me 3 minutes
it can't be normal that my body odor smells like fries
Just cleaned up my puke with my lecture notes.
I'm surprised you like me... I didn't think I was your type.
Blonde hair and big tits is every guys type.
It's really awkward/depressing when you are wearing heels larger than his dick
This is your typical drubkba Amy test. Shout out to jisus for auto correct
I feel like I just rode a horse, did a million jumping jacks, ran a marathon and need a carton on cigarettes. best sex hands down... EVER
I was scared I had HIV after last time so I'm not gonna do it again
But he was really hot
Glad you don't have HIV
No memories of receiving this. Or of getting home. Or of apparently developing a taste for marmalade, which I assume is yours because I have literally never eaten it before. It's all over the kitchen. And my phone. And in my hair. Oh god I wish I wasn't on the train to work. X And sorry about the kitchen x
Whatever. I just want to indulge in this mcchicken and forget all about his tiny penis.
I just bought a butt plug on Amazon prime day and you're the only person I felt would appreciate that decision
Yeah it got awkward when the two guys we were playing beer pong against realized that I'd hooked up with both of them. Their teamwork declined after that.
My plan to hit on all your friends went to shit after the 3rd dirty martini.
Randomize
