I'm gonna have a badass scar
just came on the shower curtain. sorry housekeeping.
I'm gagging in the liquor aisle just thinking about how much alcohol I'll be drinking this weekend.
He just stared into my eyes and touched himself. That isn't hooking up.
Using a 12 year old as a wingman. Does that make me a bad person?
We're listening to space jam. This can only be a good omen.
Okay I shall begin. Thank you Swedish chef
Hurrfy smmurdshy burrfst!
That is the exact response I was looking for.
I accidentally walked in the wrong house but I somehow left with a chicken leg. Good fucking night.
You threw a shot glass at the bartender and still managed to convince him to let us drink more. You are my hero.
I woke up this morning with a text from my mom as to why the hell random people were showing up at the house. Turns out nobody came to our house party because I gave them my old address, fuck pre-partying for real
If you bet guys that you can drink them under the table they will pay for your drinks all night until they pass out. I have this down to a science that I think even my dad would appreciate.
Tried to shave my legs but the rug burn on my knees from last night got in the way.
STOP GETTING GIRLS PREGNANT IN MY BED.
I'm just imagining Oprah like "you're popping a boner, and you're popping a boner...EVERYONE IS POPPING A BONER"
Why was I so drunk last night that I licked the bar and then the bartenders face? Why didn't you stop me? We can never go back there.
Randomize
