well if you came here i would keep you awake :*
did you just kiss me??? ... dude, im not gay
Just got kicked in the balls by a girl in tap shoes. Fuck EVERYTHING
You're the 8th person from last night to text me this morning and ask if I'm ok.
While drunk it seemed like a good idea to barricade my roommate in his room with everything that we could move in our apartment, waking up to him screaming from it collapsing on top of him was just an added bonus.
HOW DID U BEAT A GAY GUY IN GAY CHICKEN?
One of my preschool students told me today that it's not pollution that makes the water in lakes unclean. It's the hobos. I was absolutely speechless. And just so proud.
plan d- we get drunk, go see that Justin Bieber movie and freak out 13 year old girls.
last nights episode of shot friends brought to you by polish vodka and flamingo baseball. pickles cure hangovers.
Ripped lines in the bathroom before my presentation.. Got bonus marks for my enthusiasm.. This is why I love drugs
we're meeting twins and drinking tequila. i love life
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
He sent me a blank text message. That's a booty call waiting to happen
Today I learned that when you lick a mans butthole, you get wined and dined at a nice french restaurant.
We can't go out this weekend. My uterus is so desperate it's given me permanent beer goggles
A picture of a damn cupcake brought back 3 fuckboys
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