Just found out what was wrong with Esther. Turns out she's 33 and still not married. This explains everything.
i just unintentionally masturbated to my own facebook picture
The plants looked thirsty. Growing plants need mimosas too.
I answered the my mom's phone call about what we're doing for father's day while he was still fucking me. She thought I seemed really excited about his hiking boots present.
Even her dad came up for the body shots. Wasn't sure what to do so I just laid there and let it happen...
Dude. All those hangovers I never had came back with a vengeance. I just opened the door of this car to barf. The car was not motionless. We are on the autobahn.
I don't have patience to seek someone out and try to decipher whether or not I think I'd want to actually have their dick in my face.
Am I not being subtle enough by giving him a rainbow striped bong, during PRIDE MONTH?
I just got nudes while talking in the third person. Not sure if I Should be proud or ashamed.
You came down the stairs dressed as winnie the pooh and kicking cups off the table and out of people's hands
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
I think I broke my toilet with my head. There are ceramic pieces everywhere. and I might still be drunk.
I just walked across town, stoned off my ass and barefoot in 35 degree weather for him to bust five mins in and then apologize 13 times as I got dressed.
I often wonder if we’re introverted extroverts, but I don’t think so. I think we’re just easily tired scumbags
We had sex in Lake Michigan for an hour Sunday.
Thanks for ruining an entire lake for me. I hate you so much right now.
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