Rocking a Headband at the strip club, because of Rock of Love this shit is like their kryptonite, I smell like stripper butter and back child support.
Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
you were running down the aisles of wal mart singing 'follow the yellowbrick road'. i'm pretty sure you thought the night shift workers were the munchkins & started crying when they wouldnt help u find the wizard. needless to say u were pretty stoned/wasted
Thats a flattering suggestion doug but lets be clear NO you may not put your face in my vagina just because ur not charging me a cover. sorry.
He was like an evil genius with the clitoris. I don't stand a chance.
Im sitting alone watching titanic. Drunk. Without pants. Holding a fishing pole. Im pretty sure im okay with all of this.
okay, this game isn't funny anymore. tell us where all the forks are.
Just had such a rough shit, don't stop believin had to be played
Yeah. I realized I have a weakness for drugs and I need to move somewhere where I don't know how to find them.
Finished my senior thesis. How am I celebrating you ask? By drinking gas station white zif out of an empty candle holder by myself. I fucking deserve to graduate.
Drunk me cleaned my room for me. Needless to say our relationship has improved greatly
Wow just saw this. Nothing like a little anal sex to ring in 2012.
And now she's hand feeding me pork rines and showing me her angry birds high scores. This is Vegas.
you did a full monologue with your sober self last night. different voices and everything.
I picked up a guy that night wearing a onesie. I kicked Xmas' ass
Pulled a muscle in my back masturbating. But still listed as probable.
Randomize
