My whole home page is your drunken face booking, congrats.
Dear Mark, please dispose of your crusty mcdonalds napkins used to jerk it at my desk
discrete masterbation is a lost art
Hey guys. This is Daniel texting on mayas phone. if she called you and told you that i made her have sex with me in my doghouse with my dog present that wasn't true.... so dont spread that.
The girl behind me at the dollar store said couldn't wait to get her permit, then requested a pregnancy test. God I love being home.
I had a wet dream about my mom last night. words can't even begin to discribe how scarred I am. what. the. fuck.
it was just fiscally responsible to stop going to strip clubs where the strippers recognized me
Package from mother. Contents: Cookies, my old pokemon cards, and condoms. Note: "These have a July 2010 expiration date so give them away or use them with a gal that would be a great daughter in law. Love Mom" Love you too momma
Walking back from greek row alone at 3:30am in a child's kangaroo suit...not my proudest moment
He came, while we were making out fully clothed. I'm going to write a book.
Your couch is like an animal shelter for stray drunks.
I walked into a McDonalds at 8:30 am with a half-eaten apple and a solo cup. Never felt so judged.
It's gameday bitch. Man up.
Fairly certain I cracked a rib. Masturbation is not for the weak. I die now.
What if he stabs me in the back, mid-orgasm, as I sit on his face? It'd be a miraculous way to go but that's not the point
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
Definitely the only person to buy 2 handles a 2 bottles of champagne & 3 thirties while wearing a fanny pack
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