Sometimes when i'm at a cross roads in life, i think about what i would want my lifetime movie to show what i did
I sold my books for weed money!
Finals don't start for a week...
And then she was like, "don't do anything. No blow jobs, don't let him stick his fingers in weird places because people have germs."
Not to make her into that kind of girl, but she did have a condom mural
i just sent him like 8 different sexts and he texted me back about how good the hummus is that i left in his fridge.
Horrible. I told her my girlfriend is in the hospital and she tried to give me a lapdance.
I have a way to get him back. you're going to have to take one for the team and make a visit to the health department. you in?
The reign of the rally queen is over. Welcome to the age of the walking dead.
I am here to underwhelm you with my vagina
Just bc you put "its cute" at the end of it doesn't change the fact that u have called me a vag twice this morning and its only 10:03
Definitely thought about throwing up in the cat box since it's not as far to the bathroom..
i just got referred to as "the Loch Ness Cockster". God bless my Scottish heritage.
This little girl and her dad are walking behind me. "Why is he wearing pajamas?" Mind your own business, kid.
He told me to be a woman and make him dinner. So I threw a bagel at him and went out to dinner.
I just got offered free tattoos if I smuggle some guns from OKC to Dallas for a guy in the hells angels
Randomize
