dude, best porn name ever, "the Hunt for Red Cocktober"
Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
Tell her to not eat the pizza she threw up on.
I don't get why Lindsay Lohan doesn't just blame her bad behavior on her twin sister from the Parent Trap. I mean nobodys seen her since.
where'd the toddler underneathe the beer pong table come from?
the crazy preacher outside Willard just began a monologue that began with "when i look at a vagina." We should stop by there more often
In the middle of fucking me, she said "Hold on, I need my Hulk hands."
she tried strangling devon with the garden hose. pretty sure they're broken up
he fucked me to the beat of the construction going on outside my house. i will never look at jackhammers the same ever again.
I'm eating lunchables with a glass of wine while I FaceTime the guy I lost my virginity to.
You put on some guys Birkenstocks that were abandoned on the dance floor overtop of your flats. Then ran out of the bar high gives the bouncer and said "look at my new kicks" then he was like woah wait a minute someone is missing those and made you return them. You were very upset
Pandora was on point with the sex music tonight
I don't know what's worse. The fact that my biological mother is an unwitting bigamist, or the fact that my half sister is trying to seduce my girlfriend.
All I’ve had today is sex and water. I think it’s time for tacos.
Remember when I was real fucked up and said I would give up utensils and only use chopsticks for lent?...just got the reminder on my phone.
Randomize
