she was so ugly that the sight of her made me shiver and then i had to play it off like a draft blew by that only i felt.
Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
Just used a champagne bottle to outline a trigonometric circle for math 104.. should i give up on life now or later?
You act like I'm the first person to try and hook up with a blind chick.
I legit just woke up on my couch, snuggled up next to some guy who's wearing my roommate's pink bathroble. What the fuck do they put in those shots?
I feel like jumping into a breast pit right now. Like the old school ball pits at mcdonalds.
It's like if a cloud had tits and you laid on them.
And now we should drink to that moment where you realize you didn't exactly think things through.
That moment half way through a run when you realize you have to take a giant shit. I was racing against my bowels that last mile. Now my sweat is suctioning my ass to this toilet seat. Enjoy that NSA.
He must have found my secret supply of blow and took a bump before we left the house. Rude.
He could of at least asked
You're going to be mad because I got baked, but not that mad because I'm bringing home kfc.
I'm at that point in my life where stripping isn't the worst thing I would do for money
That's not the problem. The problem is I thought I was over him but he smells nice today.
You challenged a dog groomer that she couldn't cut human hair ... How's the shaved head
Hi. I have frying pans taped to my feet. I achave to go the hospital, theyre on pretty tight. Can't feel legs bring me juice
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