I know you are passed out now but when you wake up in the morning your keys are in the freezer and your probly gunna want to apologize to your gf...
Girl last night got so wet when I was going on down her it flooded up my nose. I nearly drown
I'm at my inlaws playing Scrabble. Go Fuck Yourself.
"romantic friends" sounds more classy then friends with benfits
Idk what else to talk about besides you paying for half of my vaginaplasty.
I have a huge gash on my chin. Did I get it from A) a mini siezure; B) an oral sex incident; C) Slamming it into a ledge or; D) all of the above?
I don't know whether to call the hospital or call the prison first.
My mom just added me on Facebook... She has one like and it's Will Smith
Eating a TV dinner and watching Goosebumps on Netflix, the sad, sad title of my autobiography.
I just bought the spice girls album. We will be doing music videos in the near future. You are our baby spice-- don't fight it
You yelled This cop is arresting me for possession! Possession of MARIJUANA!!", everyone cheered, and you let him handcuff you and take you away.
Yeah, he hid all the toilet paper and took a video of me looking for it before I shit my pants. Definitely playing that clip at our wedding.
Check snapchat. Selfie game still on point mid vomit.
I kind of just assumed by how he whisked eggs that he would be bad in bed.
I've never been so turned off by an omelet.
Apparently the cops had to handcuff me in order to get me to come with to the hospital with them. They asked me if I had had any experience with handcuffs before and I replied, "Only in bed." What a life
Why does 10AM Spanish always turn into a discussion about my sex life?
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