Tell LD happy birthday and party like it's $19.99
Recession joke.
I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
Did I get blown in the bathroom? Yes. Did she throw up cranberry juice on my shorts? Yes. Did she finish the job? Yes.
Ps. The strap-on in the pic i sent you last night was not mine. Just wanted to clear that up.
The bartender from Thursday remembered me... And gave me a FLAMING BUCKET of alcohol.
All of a sudden i love everyone. In all their flawed and failing beauty. This is pretty good weed.
I seriously think I got run over last night.. My sides are bruised and I got a ride home in the limo from the office.
I'm gonna let my dick speak for itself from now on. Seriously, it's always recruiting for me even after 6 hours of drinking.
Moral of the story is go have sex with a foreigner and report back to me.
Life Epiphany- I need to have children so I can be the drunk grandma at family functions. Its my destiny.
I'm just saying. If this how my magic vagina shows it's magic then I don't want any
Well I woke up and my arm was bleeding. And my blood is on the wall in the hallway.
Umm
No idea. I blame fireball.
Valid.
I feel like my vagina was just in a fistfight.
The man who almost made us Eskimo sisters is getting married. Of course I'll be your date. We need to toast the end of his sex life!
I got poked in the eye with a penis last night. How's your day?
Randomize
