Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
I just had an epiphany. There is NOTHING TO STOP ME from making cake mix and eating it all instead of making a cake. It feels like my entire life has peaked at this moment.
you said "tonight pinky, we take over the world" and then came in my face
I just hotboxed my laundry basket.
We all make mistakes. Just lock them up deep down inside your mind so they can surface as weird sexual fantasies it takes your therapist years to decipher when your 40
OH MY GOD I JUST WANT TO GO HOME AND FART ALL NIGHT.
I moved my bed to the living room so when a girl walks in she has to decide right away if shes in or out
I'M NOT READY TO BE AB ADULT YET!!!
You serve our country by fighting in the sandbox, i serve our country by entertaining rich businessmans' daughters. We each do our part.
Woke up backwards on a recliner
Dude, I'm trippin balls. For real, I thought this bag on my floor was my dog for the longest time...
I traded him cumming in my face for a year for a Disney annual pass. One giant leap back for feminism, one small step for the adult child Disney fan.
a guy just walked through our campsite, crouched down by the truck, screamed "ACID ONLY LASTS FOR 8 HOURS RIGHT?!", then ran off into the bushes
I'm pretty sure the guy who was grinding on me while I was trying to get a drink at he bar was one of my tinder matches
I just want this to serve as a reminder in the morning that the topic of conversation at last call was the penis size of jesus.
Randomize
