You drunk dialed me talking about the stages of mitosis. There is no way you didn't ace your bio final
I drove to Chevron at noon and the Hatian lady goes "Oh, nothing to drink yet white boy?"
this must be what syphilis tastes like
we used the bottom of a tampon for coke since no one had a 20 on them. My life has resisted to this.
He bought you footie pajamas. Shit's pretty serious.
That moment half way through a run when you realize you have to take a giant shit. I was racing against my bowels that last mile. Now my sweat is suctioning my ass to this toilet seat. Enjoy that NSA.
Gotta get new sheets. ..I fucked the satin off mine.
Nothing like banging your nurse in the shower while staying in the hospital
God gave me a talent besides one night stands. I feel like I should use it
I appreciate you letting me know that the bird died but why didn't you do something about the corpse? or at least give me a heads up that it was still in the cage..Jesus
you have no idea how hungover I am. I can't deal with death right now.
You FaceTimed your mom in the back of the limo telling her how many guys you hooked up with at the concert
I don't need inspirational quotes. If I'm going to be motivated, it will be by anger and spite.
Even my fuck buddy told me I needed a boyfriend. Fml.
When we became besties with benefits we agreed I could still get dick
I didn't think I'd have to specify "not my Dad"
For future reference: bathtub full of cheeseburgers = win.
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