WAKE UP. GET ME THE PILL. AND SAVE MY LIFE
My vagina smells like strawberry tangerine twist.
Apparently faking a threesome isn't as much fun as you'd think
so im decorating easter eggs with my family and my mom is writing "Jesus is risen" and "God loves you!" on the eggs. i wrote things like "I'm naked!" and "there are drugs in these eggs!" on mine.
we need to find that guy that whips out his cock at the bar again
Just saw the new iPhone. I would totally let Steve Jobs and Jon Ive eiffel tower me right now.
Woke up with my face in a bowl of cereal. This is tequila's way of saying fuck you.
I feel like I just tasted lung cancer.
He never gives up. He's like the fucking little engine that could of hook ups
It wasn't a basement apartment, it's his parents basement. And he wanted to show me his pet tarantula collection. I NOPED THE FUCK OUT!
Texas awaits me. And all the cocks that live there too.
You drunkenly hook up with 5 people in one night and suddenly everyone tries to party with you.
Is it weird that sometimes I like to have sex for the health benefits and workout more than the pleasure
“before I show up tits a blazing, what’s the sexual temperature here?“
Mimosas make me so tired. I just ordered a huge thing of pasta and gonna eat it in my underwear like a bad bitch
Randomize
