"You squeeze, we tiip biiiiiig" JB
I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
After 9 shots a girl with a mustache......still not attractive
Oh my god. Oh my god. Oh my god. I drunk emailed a professor on friday. Oh my god. Oh my god.
We hadn't had sex in so long that I started queefing and then I couldn't stop giggling... I think he's mad.
looking back, maybe 11 flaming dr peppers was a little extreme
How can I look at her with a straight face when she has dry puke on her eye lid
I really care about you, but im still gonna have to make you pay for dinner from the pain and suffering in my knees and vagina.
I think I just smoked a piece of your foot. Were u picking your feet by the weed?
What kind of life do I lead that no one is surprised by the fact that I was watching porn at work with the hot 37 year old?
You're about to makeout with my vagina, I don't think she cares that you haven't brushed your teeth. Just get over here!
I didn't think I was even that high but when we were standing in the cop car's headlights I totally forgot how to use my arms
11/10 would buy him a McLobster
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
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