He looks like Jesus, if Jesus had let himself go.
As of this morning, vodka still has the other side of my BFF necklace. She treats me right.
two more shots til everyone in this club gets to see my cesarean scars.
We're friends. And when I drunkenly send u a pic of my left testicle i would appreciate a response.
You said you couldnt get the condom on but "its the thought that counts"
she's on the floor slapping my dogs face with slices of pizza
She refused to give me a hand job while we were watching a war movie saying she didn't wanna disrespect the soldiers
My Grampa even called her out for being a cock block at the bar...it was that serious
He was dressed in a pink dressing gown feeding people ketamine from a plastic sword he called Excalibur. how was your Monday?
4 out of 7 roommates in one month isn't that bad if you think about the fact that 3 of them were in the last 24 hours
He made a playlist to use during sex...that ended with The Ultimate Warrior's entrance music.
If pulling your dick out counts as a hobby that is his.
There's a potato with a bite taken out of it in the kitchen
Uber southern baptist grandma and uber flaming cousin just got into an argument about whether jesus is OK with gay marriage. Aren't these things only supposed to happen at Thanksgiving?
I only live four blocks from the bar but when you're hammered this walk feels like the journey through Mordor.
Randomize
