just woke up and my boobs have "fun police" written on them
First time i ever had an awkward silence during sex.
why do all canadians talk like horny gerbils are stuck in their throats?
I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
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He told me that he wishes our relationship was more like prison: less touching, more butt sex.
Just used my last prints at the library for brackets instead of final reviews. Hello March.
Were driving two hours to st louis so we can pee on the arch. See you in the morning. I might be sober by then.
We've gotten 3 pitchers already by trading for CUPCAKES
New rule. No seeing movies about plane crashes after killer bong rips
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WHY DOES HE HAVE TO CALL WHEN I'M MASTURBATING?! This time I'm really pissed. It's like he knows he's depriving me of orgasms.
You pulled out a fucking recorder and started playing along with all the songs on your playlist and refused to hit the j
FYI: Brian said he left me in the bathroom Friday night to shower and 45 minutes later found me with a towel around my head, my pants on and holding my boobs. No more Jell-O shots for me.
Can you get snapchat back so I can show you all the places I threw up in/on last night?
Did I put a bunch of spaghetti on you and then eat it off?!?
That you did
I went out to dinner with the girls thinking I'd be home early. Instead I ended up in the Englishman's hotel room. Long Live The Queen.