so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
A slipped finger up the butt isn't the end of the world
All I remember is saying that "fire will make it all better"
he has a knack for choosing the worst time to masturbate
You can duct tape yourself to me so we dont lose you and you dont have to celebrate your birthday alone
Everytime the frat boy touches his bro's ass after making a cup take a drink
I know. I know. The man who pulled me from my mother's womb was the same man who had his fingers in my vagina today. My life is a joke. I don't know how to feel about this.
Carrying your RA back to her room wasn't the conclusion I was expecting for the first thursday back
I think I kinda scared him when I told him if he premature ejaculated I would punch him in the throat.
I flashed a party boat full of Asians yesterday, didn't I?
We bought only tequila and Twister. And you're STILL surprised you got pregnant?
Know what's awkward? Having a couple of moving guys watch while you detach the bondage cuffs from your bedframe, that's what.
Just realized Ive never seen my f buddy in the daylight. What if he looks different?
I feel like I'm in a development meeting for a Lifetime original movie.
just woke up. hair smells like weed and bbq. shins are bruised. vague memory of us chasing deer at the park at 3 am. fill me in on what exactly happened.