I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
Midget Michael Jackson impersonator dancing to Beat it in Penn Station almost caused me to miss my train. God, I
dude you made out with his girlfriend and stole his credit card to buy more drinks
well when you put it that way, I sound like a terrible person
You were directing traffic around her for 30min after she passed out in the middle of the road.
You really are best friends.
HE COULDN'T FIND IT! WHAT KIND OF QUARTERBACK CAN'T FIND IT?!
She said I had the biggest dick she'd ever seen. And when you consider how many she's come in contact with, it's kind of like winning the heisman.
He told me that "my little fuckpig" was a term of endearment in Britain. I think I'm in love.
I'm going to call you, don't answer. Need to practice moaning to your answering machine again
Halfway through the blowjob she stopped and said 'Wait I know this dick'.
I think my boss gives me work off weekends because he doesn't want me showing up hungover anymore..
I've found my soulmate with the cardboard Dos Equis man.
I cant see straight, her clothes are all over my floor and I'm covered in bite marks... No I will not go to brunch with you
I need to be her Aladdin, and show her the world. The sex world.
My "lord keep me from stabbing a bitch" prayer has gotten a lot of miles today
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...