her name was charlotte except you kept calling her chatroulette and yelling at her to show you her boobs
how did i get to the car and why are my shoes broken
Now that you're back together are you gonna tell him you set his stuff on fire?
Not going outside. I may melt into a puddle of wine
Ugh I just wanna make an announcement like: Attention high school classmates: if we haven't spoken in 5 years, we don't need to start now. Please be on your way
I really want to shower but i'm afraid i'll sober up. My mouth feels like a stripper pole too...
He's single. I'm single. We should rekindle our eighth grade romance over a box of wine and carefree sex.
I wouldn't be surprised. You and I have basically synced up our brain chemistry by doing drugs together in the same way that two girls would sync their menstrual cycles by sharing a house.
No, no, we have to calibrate. What is the maximum amount of trouble we can get into without going to jail?
When my parents ask if I met any nice guys in California, I'm going to answer, "No, but I have gone home with alot of nice girls". Too much, too soon?
This taxi driver is not happy I am in drag
they set my background as his mugshot to remind me "having a big penis won't be a valid excuse in a court room."
His dad was on the tv delivering the local 11 o' clock news while we were having sex
never planned on seeing last weekend's one night stand again, much less be on the same plane as him..
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
Randomize
