I just ate 3 burrito supremes and a crunchwrap...can't feel feet...I think I have diabetes
guys i just found a dildo in the laundry room and its purple
whats a dildo? isnt that like a fancy piece of bread?
For some reason 'start yourself on fire drunk' isn't nearly as funny after last 4th of july..
had to split buying plan b over two cards. I will no longer challenge people to get on my level
So it looks like you may be an uncle real soon. Don't ask how I feel about it and don't text me back.
Trying to figure out when's a good time to take acid and not tell anyone and see how long it takes people to notice
Would you feed me pudding while my fake tan dries?
Just described your amazing cock to a complete stranger. I am officially the worst wingman (chick) ever.
I come bearing gifts of whiskey and vagina
He just took a bite of each taco bell burrito and hid them throughout my apartment. this was 2 weeks ago and have found 30 burritos so far
We got naked and peed in the garden. Something about bonding with our new house
I never thought I'd say this but there's too many dicks around here.
Hey the moment you step into my house, find me IMMEDIATELY so we can pinky promise on not roping anyone at the party into yet another threesome
Omg I'm having dinner at chilli's with a guy who is arguing that getting a weed leaf tatoo on his neck will prevent him from getting a job as a dental assistant
Well that actually sounds reasonable
HE'S FUCKING 19 YEARS OLD, HE CAN'T EVEN GET INTO A BAR WITH ME, WHAT MAKES YOU THINK I'LL LET HIM IN MY PANTS?!
Randomize
