Which one of you FUCKERS filled the toilet with soil and planted my mothers daisys in it? NOT FUCKING HAPPY
I've come to notice a late period isn't as exciting when you have no reason to worry
Just found out my mom tried to sue the birth control company when she got pregnant with me...love you too mom.
Someone played tic tac toe on my abs?
Thanks for buying me a sippy cup, its so pretty and everyone keeps telling me its probably the best gift anyone could have given me
I will pray to the gods of eye bleach for you
You screamed "There's a potato in my anus" and proceeded to attempt to grind with the bouncer. Also, I'm pretty sure our Chem teacher was in the same bar as us.
He told me I was his first American. I feel like I should've brought a flag to plant on him.
Nothing brings compassion from a group of cafe workers like walking in and asking if they have a 'hangover special'
He came on my pillow pet. That's unacceptable. I hate boys.
I'm currently on a bowling date with my girlfriend and her boyfriend. It's pretty fun.
I had sex upstairs in my parents house, and my mom texted me and said "those raccoons are out of control in the walls."
Our entire day shift is on either molly or acid. I'm about to take two hits of the latter.
He went three whole days without making a star wars reference, of course he got sex
GOOD MORNING! This is your wake up call! Just incase this text wasn't enough, I had sex on your bed last night while you were drunk hitting on my sister. Dan jizzed on your pillow! We rubbed it on both sides! Now get up and go to class!
Randomize
