pretend to be my girlfriend and sign me up for tool academy
That's like rubbing a penis in my face and not giving it to me.
My family just legit passed around a fifth of Maker's Mark. Also, this is sort of a Thanksgiving tradition. Also, Maker's Mark is really good.
I called her new haircut "lesbian progressive" and now she's upset
Not sure. All I know is that she has a tight dark green skirt and I will not rest until I have used my teeth to rip it off of her
If you can count on one hand the number of times you have actually, truly nearly died this month, then you are not really living yet.
I'm gonna hop on that dick and ride it into the sunset
Life update - currently drunk off my ass in the yoga room of SFO at 5:30 in the morning.
If everything else in my life fails, at least I just had one of my top orgasms
Don't take advice from me. I'm simultaneously shitting and eating cheesecake.
It seems that Coffee is the true alpha male.
What, wait. You are not supposed to drink wine out of the bottle?
If she didn't block me, she would have known that I sneezed on her toothbrush.
Hey. I hope you have enough room in your car for me and a Honda civic front bumper.
I’m so poor I’m filling a flask with vodka and bringing it to the bar.
Randomize
