I just saw a 3 year old try to break out of a daycare by driving a big wheel at full speed into a metal gate. Today is going to be epic.
The only pictures he has from one of the biggest football weekends is an album titled "I miss my dog" filled with tons of pictures of his dog and him. This relationship must end.
never trust anyone who drives a pt cruiser.... write that down
I'm so used to throwing up its no longer a game of hanging over the toilet. Now it's just 'stand up, aim for the toilet, do my thing' then walk out
If I'm going to go gay, i'm not going to go for a tiny dick.
There's nothing like vomiting in the restroom at work to remind you that you're not in college anymore.
Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
whatever. as long as im no longer referred to as the girl who fucked the pledge on his big brother's couch.
Thanks for putting pants on me last night. And for calling me a princess.
Did the game of beer pong go wrong before or after the cops and fire department showed up?
Like I couldn't describe it to you but if they did a lineup of penises i'd be able to pick it out.
Who is Katie and why do we have her birthday cake?
So here's my pathetic thought of the day: what does it smell like to be sober?
I love you but this is the first Saturday I have ever spent at the police station. And where are my boxers?
Sooo does anyone wanna tell me why I threw up a cigarette this morning?
OMG YOU DID TO?!
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