I tried to gradually lead her into my room but she wouldn't stop crying and quoting memoirs of a geisha
I got date raped at Sigma Chi last night!
Dude, you never made it to Chi last night. You fell into a tree and passed out.
So I was watching the View and they were saying oral sex is the new goodnight kiss
So when are we having a sleepover?
i am positive it's ok to drink. it's just pieces of the plastic knife i forgot was in the blender.
When we started taking double shots of vodka and chasing it with a lick of fruit roll-ups, I knew there'd be hell to pay in the morning.
He tried to stick it in and I asked him what he wanted to name our child and he quit.
I'm truly not mad that he's at a strip club, it's that he couldn't look far enough into the future to figure out how to get himself home from one
I'll be home next weekend. Its mothers day. Let's party just enough so we are frightened it might be our first
I might be the strongest willed bouncer ever. Earlier tonight a girl flashed me trying to get in. I just replied "Sorry I'm gay", she believed me and left.
Well, I can mark "throwing up in a daycare bathroom due to a hangover" off my bucket list.
He said we were over, wrote my name on the condom he left in my car last night and said he'd always keep it in case I came back. It was kind of romantic
It was one of those "how did I get to my bed and what am I wearing" mornings.
RAAAAAAAAWWWWRRRRRR
THATS ME HOWLING MY ENJOYMENT OF THE THINGS WE CAN DO WHILE GETTING DRUNK
I really regret not asking “like a cupcake” when you asked me to eat your ass
No. No. Fuck you! You can do your own grocery shopping.
Randomize
