My Higher Power is John Stamos
Instead of peeing my cute lil blue panties I peed in the train parking lot in front of an asian.
So, I just pissed in her shampoo bottle. Hope she enjoys a late golden shower from me.
I could hear them screwing through my bedroom wall again this morning, so I started beat boxing to the tempo.
We are going to be Siegfried and Roy for Halloween and you are going to be the tiger.
he asked me for a gerbil feeder full of alcohol
Stop treating my vagina like a slapchop.
I took 20 bucks from you because when I woke up I saw more of you than I ever wanted to see bro.
Totally acceptable.
My biggest accomplishment thus far this summer is having sex 5 weeks after hip surgery.
her tits were more amazing then brown bears with armor and guns that fire bullets of Justice that destroys inequality.
Basically I don't wanna put on pants...but I'm stoked for drinking my face off tomorrow.
Seriously I can't get a booty call for some baked goods.
In unrelated news guys should not ask what I'm doing/wearing if they can't handle an honest answer. I'm not pretending I'm not sitting on the couch in yoga pants watching Community so you can beat off.
Like if Ohio doesn't think I can get smashed on wine I will gladly prove them wrong
No we didn't talk. I was high and doing naked yoga in the living room when she walked in so it was just awkward. I didn't even know my dad had a girlfriend.
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