She said "You blew my mind last night." and I said "nah, I just blew my load." and her mom heard.
you announced to the whole room that instead of shaving you were planning to start straightening and then braiding your pubes. awkward silence followed by everyone leaving.
Washing the last semen-stained shirt you have really solidifies a breakup. It just got real.
I taped Calvin and Kyles heads together face to face while they were passed out. You should have seen them stumbling around using hungover teamwork trying to find scissors.
Sad news: I might have to institute a "once-per-day" policy on getting trashed downtown. Sorry, reputation.
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
I'm fucking an ugly guy. Don't come home.
well now I have to
when you agree to fuck a guy it does by NO means make it okay for his roommate to hide in the closet with doritos and watch
I vaguely remember losing my underwear to 2 chicks in a bathroom. That drunk.
We played a 4 hour game of True American then we fucked on the floor for a couple hours Happy 20th to me
I've Ubered to the bar three times this weekend to get my car but every time I get there I end up drinking. Still no car.
Girl just left one of the apts upstairs carrying a giant bottle of kahlula and a lunchable.... I feel like we could be friends
If he thinks I'm canceling my orgy to coddle his stupid fucking behavior, he has another thing coming
I feel like your boyfriend deserves to know that you're a lesbian.
Thanks for making me a drunk burrito last night and cutting it into bite size pieces, I always knew you were a keeper.
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