the the hell do you 'accidentaily" jizz on a shirt thats folded in a drawer?
ugh. people who use coupons make me wanna punch a baby.
The only thing better than Call of Duty is getting jerked off while playing Call of Duty.
He noticed there was ketchup on his shirt and took it off. Noticed there were people there and put it back on. Then he saw the ketchup again. He must have taken his shirt on and off about 6 times
he built a boat made of joints. holyyy shit
You're gonna die alone anyway. Even if you do meet a man, they die earlier than women. Best case, you have to deal with grieving over his death and then die alone a couple years later. Worst case, you get a terminal illness and he divorces you, leaving you to die alone anyway.
Thanks, mom.
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
I made out with an Italian cab driver. Not cool. Help. Good news he will drive us anywhere we want to go as long as you cook food?!?!?! I want to melt into the pavement.
Do you think you could handle being our babysitter if we roofied ourselves for fun??
Look. When I let you cum on my tits don't fuck it all up by going "SKEET SKEET SKEET" it just pisses me off.
I haven't had to masterbate since I started dating him over a year ago. I don't even know if I remember how and my vagina is calling.
He wants to make me arch my back "like I'm having an exorcism". Not sure if I'm turned on or freaked out.
I just went on etsy and my personalized suggestions on the page were either kinky sex restraints or baby things. I feel like etsy just summarized my life.
Of course I'm going to see her again. She had waterproof handcuffs in her shower.
Taking a shit in a Texas 7/11... not accepting phone calls now lol
Randomize
