Did Neil Armstrong say the moon was too far away! NO! He built himself a fucking rocketship is what he did!
Thats a flattering suggestion doug but lets be clear NO you may not put your face in my vagina just because ur not charging me a cover. sorry.
kindergarten is hard when you're hung over.
I just typed my entire senior project presentation on my blackberry,
Jenna and Ryan are ranting and raving about child custody. MY VASECTOMY SMILES.
Note to self: do not take so many shots that you sit on the floor under the bar where nobody can see you, and reach out and grab peoples crotch.
Some guy just bought a handle of cuervo, a curling iron, and a power drill. Paid with a jar of change. I'm torn between avoiding him and befriending him..
Pretty sure I humiliated the fuck out of myself last night after I was dared to attempt to give myself head. I hate vodka
He said, "cum on daddy's dick!" ... I pictured my dad. That just scarred me for life.
You thought you were drunk? I woke up at 6 o'clock this morning with a cheeseburger in my left hand a drink in my right with my window half way down. it was raining.... fml
I stared at him for a solid five minutes because he looked like what I imagine god would look like if god was a lumberjack
FUCK YOU AND YOUR WEAK ASS EYEBROWS
Bruh why you gotta judge
You're awake at 3:30 in the morning RSVPing to a musical, I'm well within my means
There are only a few things more freaky than wandering around a zoo drunk.
Getting knocked up by someone with a good job and a big dick, okay. I can handle that. Getting knocked up by someone who sells dildos for a living and has a tiny dick, SOMEBODY is losing a pair of balls.
Randomize
