Did you hallucinate the same white buffalo that I did last night.
No, but I did see you shaking hands with a homeless man.
she was mega hot - except for the poop under her fingernails
I kinda look like a classier blonde kenny powers.
There's trophy wives that arent even in the 5th grade yet
My RA just tried to write me up for having sex too loudly during quiet hours.
i feel like my eyelids need a kick stand.
i want to swaddle you in tequila
there's still three solo cups of your puke in my basement. so that needs to be solved at some point.
Based on the grey fur I pulled from my teeth, I think her vagina has mice.
I think I'm done drinking. How did we end up partying at a frat house with my mom...
I took a sleeping pill while he was in the bathroom. Time for a game of how long can we bang before I fall asleep.
You are both horrible and amazing
We don't know where he is but he left his pants and what appears to be a tooth here so he's gotta come back sometime
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
How the fuck do you get a noise complaint filed against you at 9:30am on a fucking Tuesday?
You fell while talking to a cop, then proceeded to acuse him of tripping you... he was arresting you for public intox.
Randomize
