It's like God knew that was my ex's best friend and punished me. I've never vomited that much in my life.
We turned everything surrounding BP and the oil leak into a "that's what she said" drinking game. We've been drunk for a month
I just used an app to identify a song that was playing in the background of a porno. May god bless your soul steve jobs.
it's too soon in the relationship to think about him when i masturbate. so i think about his dad instead.
Fuck that. I will get OUT of CONTROL And rise from a hangover on Sunday like Jesus himself.
I woke up with her dog licking the wedding cake out of my ear and her sister finishing our Jaeger
I don't know. I was hiding and the bed was banging. I am going to sleep now in someone's car.
Girl I love you like I've been drinking all day
He came on my pillow pet. That's unacceptable. I hate boys.
He jizzed all over my ID badge. HR is gonna be pissed...
i knew my hormones were back to normal when i went to ikea and didn't want to fuck any of the workers
I'm the girl holding the bag of goldfish
Our office went out together for the first time to celebrate the fact our coworker got fired.
I was not drunk. There was Star Wars, sex, and baby oil.
In hindsight, maybe rearranging his living room because he has OCD while he was out wasnt the greatest idea. Though it'll keep him busy for HOURS
Randomize
