Can i not drive my cunt home
I got to work, greeted my staff, then went into the bathroom to throw up. Who hired me to run a business???
Voted patient of the month again at the urgent care. I need to rethink my life choices.
OH MY GOD MY GRANDMA JUST SHOWED ME HER BOOB OH. MY. GOD.
You called me 32 times last night just to tell me you felt a heartbeat in your vagina?
Yea dude. I'm gonna be the life of the party. THIS BITCH GETS DRUNK BY HERSELF
she has like 12 pairs of underwear people left at her house from the other night
The plan was to get laid... Now the plan is to survive.
My bank account got hacked so he showed up with a 6 pack wearing a superman cape to cheer me up and you question why I love him?
I have not brushed my hair. I'm wearing a yoga hoodie. I look like I slept in a gutter somewhere. Today is going to be a good day.
Life lesson 8263 if drinking a beer in the shower be careful when shampooing... Tresemme flavored rolling rock sucks
Sorry I trained your dog in Spanish last night. At least he listens to someone now.
They're gonna put "is a hoe" on my medical records
It smells like grilled cheese and sexual frustration
What's the plan?
Not sure. I think I'll take a dump on his windshield.
Randomize
