The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
Omg just saw this kid I went to elementary school with at the bar and he used to be cool and I was so awkward but now I have boobs so I WIN.
I was relieved after I found the unopened condom in my pocket. Then I found the open one in the other pocket..
The cop and I then joined forces to get you up off the sidewalk.
We've completely outdone ourselves. We packaged a collective total of six grams of pot and salvia into little bowl-sized tinfoil capsules. It's totally impossible to tell which is which without comparing, every Friday from now on we pick one out and see what the fuck happens
There are six slides. In going to pee in five of them. You have to guess which one to go down. Agree?
Agreed.
The look on the dr's face when she asked me the last time i had sex and i responded "like an hour and a half ago" ... priceless
Come on down you're the next contestant on "lets go drinking!"
There is this threesome scene that is literally 10 minutes of straight fucking
Omg so it's educational?
There's a website where you can order a pile of horse shit to be dropped on a persons doorstep. So that's another option.
If catching your vomit in my hands while swimming in a bath tub full of it doesn't make us best friends, I don't know what will
He sent me a meme at 3am. Usually guys just send me booty calls that late. I think I'm in love
He took my Spanx off and still fucked me twice. I call that success.
I just woke up to my family in the living room watching our security camera tape of me last night talking to a stop sign in our backyard... How the fuck did I get that in the yard?
I just got fed by 3 guys. I love my job.
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