So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
why the fuck does my google maps say i'm in punjab?!?!? u think it has to do with like...outsourcing?
your facebook page is a work of drunk art.
Sorry the STD update turned into an attempt at a bootycall, but at least we both know we're clean now
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
the last guy with this job had a bookshelf fall on him. He's in the Er. Im high and they gave me his shift. How do you think i feel?
Just saw a hooker eating a pastrami sandwich walking down beach blvd blowing kisses to traffic. My day = made
So I pull up to an apartment complex and immediately felt like I was here to get stoned.
Buying the inflatable beer pong table for the pool was one of the best investments I've ever made
Check your mailbox. I left a "sorry I didn't have time to suck your dick today" consolation gift.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
Got drunk in Atlantic City Flagged down some guy with two wrapped tampons like road flares for a cigarette.
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
It makes me so happy that my local liquor store has a black lab that is there every day. Really tho - it makes the higher prices excusable.
Her cat was breathing in my ear all night, like that kid from Hey Arnold.
She got a boob job, dumped her husband, became a stripper, got a DUI in her Porsche and is now dating her lawyer
I’m making her my life coach if med school doesn’t work out
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