I just watched a guy get turned down by a prostitute
Kris Allen: Jason Mraz mixed with John Mayer and a splash of orgasmmm
The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
I just saw the Donald Trump of homeless quys walking down the street. He had three shopping carts and a bike.
When I came home you were watching infomercials, eating croutons out of the box and salsa from a funnel. Well done.
so i was just informed that i sang that song "pop that pussy ayyy pop that pussy" at the halloween party saturday. iembarrassing.
Her eyebrows were plucked so thin that she had to have gonorrhea. Clean girls just don't pluck that way
Exact words that were just spoken as she was on her 6th, yes 6th piece of bread: "I'm only eating the soft and chewy inside of the bread-I am taking the crust home to feed my turtles"
If your boss lets you sleep on his couch, you don't pay him back by boning his daughter.
our friendships a beautiful delicate flower...that has been crushed by peni
I can't tell if I'm still on the hangover from last night, or if I'm experiencing the one from tomorrow, because it was so powerful that it actually traveled back through time...
Good friends go out of their way to crop dust your ex not once but twice. I knew we were friends for a reason
How exactly does a handjob become fancy?
Blueberry lube, and champagne.
I remember reading the word "lift" so I did. The alarn went off, and I thought to myself "what dumbass pulls the fucking fire alarm?" and then I realized it was me...
I SHOULD BE TERRIFIED OF HIS DRAGON DICK.
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