My husband just tried to seduce me by saying we can do it doggystyle so you can watch tv
just woke up and he was jacking off in the corner.. am i being punked?
life lesson# 3: saying thank you on a subway really means "im not a native new yorker, so please feel free to touch my ass"
hmm. interesting. explain how you came across this knowledge.
i sneezed. he said bless you. i said thank you. he groped. i again said thank you.
couldnt find a condom. used a surgical glove instead. actually worked and the sex was great. thanks nursing school
im so poor im using the bottom of my laptop to heat my food.
Apparently you can talk a girl into leaving the bar and coming back to your tent, who knew?
He appeared on my 7th floor fire escape and sang to me and jimmy through the window when we fucked. He's like a drunken mix of Sinatra and Spiderman.
Really, thanks for buying me caribou, it helped me out. Today will forever be the day I threw up in a caribou cup in the skyway outside of chipotle.
we can fight about whose fault it is later....naked.
You pretended to pelvic thrust my mother on the boat while my 92 year old grandmother looked on. Thanks.
Just remember, if we get caught, you're deaf and I don't speak English.
I got to see a stripper that did magic last night. It was glorious.
You can't just say you're dying of terminal cancer everytime they try to card you
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
Dude we were sitting at my place stoned as fuk then someone knocks on the door and it was my neighbor giving me a huge box of cookie dough. Magic of weed.
Randomize
