Apparently Chef Boyardee is the only guy I'm taking home tonight.
she was so wasted that she tried to tuck me in and read the jokes on the taco bell sauce as a bed time story
nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
The only way I could have failed my exam worse is if there would have been a drug test portion
he sent me a winky sad face. i cannot deal this level of pathetically needy flirtatiousness.
i remember getting really pissed off when you wouldn't let me sleep in the garage with your cat.
hey did i steal that bike before or after the ball dropped, casue i might have broken my resolution already
He's the kind you'd bring home and you'd wake up and all your food would be half eaten on the kitchen floor and all your socks would be missing.
For what it's worth, I didn't think that hitting you with a crowbar as hard as I did would break your arm like that. You should drink more milk.
Whenever you have to pee or whatever I'll be over here to harass you
Thanks for having me over last night. Sorry I licked rum off your kitchen floor.
I just had a random tinder dude give me a ride home from school because my car is dead. Tinder rules! It's like Uber, but with boys who want to impress you.
Mischief managed.
YOU ARE NOT A MARAUDER, WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO NOW?
Also that boy who jizzed in me wearing Cowboy boots and a plaid shirt snapped me at 4 am and said "I owe you a dinner. Sorry"
The cops asked Ben if he was drunk and he slurred "I'm man enough to admit that I am" with a southern draw
Randomize
