im starting to measure my showers by the number of beers i drink while im in there.
Oprah is sooooo fat. I can't even concentrate on Mackenzie Phillips talking about banging her dad
you just stared at your feet and said some shit about the molecules dancing and how you had just solved physics.
what kind of dress can i wear to my high school reunion that says "even though i'm more successful than all of you i'm still up for sex"?
My penis hasn't been this frustrated since I was like 13 and I awkwardly got boners at school dances
She climbed through the window and into my bed. Not even sure who she is. Was thinking she might be a friend of yours?
Hardly remember what he looks like and the man has seen me passed out spread eagle. I begin this journey with such a disadvantage.
You texted me 'I am the leopard prince', with a series of pictures of you posing in what seemed like cat poses. you were not "a little bit" drunk dude..
shit went down at the bar when this girl with 'morals' totally cock blocked a married guy. she actually kicked IN the bathroom door when they were fucking in there. then we all did shots.
High gym went like this: I went to Dairy Queen instead.
I drink to make the karaoke go away.
If it meant we had chicks like that every weekend I would gay marry the shit out of you dude
It wasn't a great time! You grabbed me, picked me up, and make me pee in the sink!
You stopped making out with some rando guy to tell him you weren't sure about your sexuality then proceeded to follow me down the street to make out with me
Why did I not realize how important my fridge was till I was drunk. It keeps all my food cold its like my own cold box
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