just woke up and he was jacking off in the corner.. am i being punked?
I gambled and lost. Had to pull into a funeral home to clean up with a copy of my resume.
Their house warming gift for us was a half case of keystone and getting the cops called..
I know i'm the slutty cousin, but be honest. have you ever got your nose ring caught on a guy's zipper?
just saw way to many penises for it being 5 o'clock on a thursday
Just got judged by the front desk clerk, 2 maids and a security guard at the Sheraton. I've decided to use this as a character building experience.
My knee is bleeding. This cheeseburger is the 3rd thing I made out with today and I think I got a job with the ducks. Catalina is poppin
Definitely a Xanax and Jell-O shots kinda day...except my Jell-O shots are really just a big bowl of a Jell-O shot that I use a spoon to eat.
I'm sorry I didn't respond. I had a shit day. However, I just masturbated to Adele's Rolling In the Deep while crying. It was oddly therapeutic.
Dude, get out of Andrea's vagina and call me back
So the doorbell rang while we were banging, and I'm pretty sure the pizza man saw my dick. But hey, we got pizza.
The Royals are in the World Series. I've never drank so much in one week in my life.
How are you feeling this morning?
Well, I just found day old puke in my bra, so I've been better.
Vibrator fell off the top of the dresser and hit me. This might be the most embarrassing black eye incident ever
She puked off the side of the cruise ship onto a newlyweds balcony table and they watched it all happen then they made her clean it up
Randomize
