i was born a porn star she said
Why did I wake up with "How to masturbate" on my youtube search bar?
You told us you forgot how, and started to cry.
Theres a dude at this concert at the urinal double fisting beers, taking drinks from both while simultaneously pissing euerywhere. He is my hero
we hate each other therefore the sex is mindblowing
Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
The gym is handing out free condoms this week, motivation to work out this week?
Every fourth of July I get sentimental when I think back to the one where we drove around baked off our asses crashing multiple cookouts listening to Team America's "America, Fuck Yea" on repeat. I miss us.
In all fairness I didnt see your dick because it was already in her
I'm buying drugs in the library...And it's not even finals time. What has my life become?
I seriously think my heart may fail. And I didn't even grab a toilet beer :(
Your friends turned off our power in the basement and when we went to turn it back on I got sprayed in the face with a fire extinguisher. FYI.
Walking into class right now and I swear to god I smoked down the substitute teacher we have at a party I went to last week
She unfriended me on Facebook after I responded to her long love note with #demtittesdoe. Jager is the goddamned devil.
The night they met I slept with both of them. Of course I'm best man.
I have a weird question... did you bite my back last night?
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