just woke up with a thong on my face, dont remember going home with anyone and its way too big for it to be a good thing
the only plus side is that now I'll be able to tell my son not to trust the condoms that his college gives away..........
FYI angry masturbation is not as cool angry sex
he broke into my appartment and left me a waffle maker...
90 persent of me said don't pee on that fake plant. Buyt i did
Yeah dude. Pulled out the couch and a bird flew at me. Please tell me who put a bird in my house.
got blackout drunk at the conference and wandered around Minneapolis with a homeless person until one of the other interns found me...I think I'm ready for adulthood.
I hate it when the guy who runs the chicken and waffles truck is convinced that I run a cult.
that is the opposite of a normal text message.
I think this is the rare instance where the babysitter should get sex as payment from the person being babysat plus you'll get birthday sex. It's a win-win.
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
IM TRYING TO BE RESPONSIBLE AND ALL I WANT TO DO IS FUNNEL CHEAP BEER AND SCREAM ABOUT HOW MUCH I LOVE OUR NATION
I feel like I could have been bitchier and missed an opportunity.
I keep finding granola in my bed. This is what I get for sleeping with a guy from Oregon.
I'm all about clean living these days
You started your day with fried chicken and a bloody
... after you woke up in your own urine
That means I have to put pants on. That is not something I am willing to do right now.
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