Remind me to tell you about the dream where im a fighting a super hero whose only weakness is sunkist.
Well he's in a two year college so technically hes a senior. At least can we just pretend I'm not robbing the cradle.
i woke up to the sound of my dad getting blown. this is my life
you can feel better about your life now. i slept with a guy who has gold teeth
I got out of bed with her to go smoke a bowl with her roommate which was fine but I passed out when I went upstairs to take a piss.
Yeah.. she's probably not gonna call.
I have no valid justification for peeing in your kitchen, but I don't think it's worth breaking up over.
Shoot me. I need tickles, a drink, sushi and a handy
Order is debatable
I'm high and craving hash browns from McDonalds. Please pick me up. I also would like a hug and a supportive pat on the back when you get here. Thanks.
Its two in the afternoon. McDonalds don't sell hash browns at 2 in the afternoon. Whore. The hug I can provide however.
Meant to have fun, ended up giving speech about consent to guy at bar. Feminist side feels happy. Orgasms side feels confused and betrayed.
Omg how many tall cans is too many tall cans for 1 pm
I just wanna get drunk in a castle. Is that so much to ask?
Remember when I made fun of you when you ran out of toilet paper on your brother's birthday and had to use coffee filters? Guess what happened today
He then used a box cutter I keep in my car to open the plan b. Who says chivalry is dead?
He made me cum 3 times, then immediately after sex packed a bowl and passed it to me. Yeah.. I'll keep him.
I apparently sent an offer letter to, and then subsequently onboarded, the wrong candidate. How's your Monday?
Randomize
